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Posts tagged ‘determination’

Embarrassed disappointed sad, BUT determined

The worst thing that could have happened at work, happened. What makes it worse, is that I let myself down and feel that i was not my best. I was put in a situation where I had just a couple minutes to respond to having to speak to a group of people. I will push myself as far as I can, but I do know this lmiitation is HUGE!!! My mouth will go out the window, every time! It takes days, weeks,, even months for me to prepare to talk in front of groups of people. I knew my mouth was shutting down. If anyone knows a shutdown. It is awful! Iti is liek the life is being sucked right out of you. It happens at home, but when it happens in public it is so embarrassing…BUT at work???????


I am the most professional person! I mean, I will work like a marathon runner to get through my day without meltdowns or shutdowns. But when asked to do it, I completely lost my voice. So, I knew all I could do was leave. So I did. Went into the other room and just started to shut down. I think I was more disappointed in myself because I give my ALL so this never happens and it did. One other time, I was asked to speak to the large class and I lost my ability to speak, but it was not detectable by others, really.

I knew I was not going to be able to speak, but when I was asked to…nothing! I had no idea what to do.

It’s not rebellion. If anything, I cried because I was unable to do what I was asked to do and I will do everything I can to do what I am asked. I never want to let people down. I was disappointed in myself and sad that I had let my boss down.

Fortunately, my next period was set up that I was able to bring myself out of it after I sat there for awhile trying to get my mouth to work, etc.

On shutdowns, I have gone to complete limp. Just staring. Just a heap of nothing.

I was able to make myself stay (in myself) as much as I could and fight to come out of it and do the rest of my day.

I’m embarrassed, mostly.

I came home…and cried!! My friend met me at home and just held me while I cried. I fell asleep.

This stuff is exhausting.

I always try so hard to find the best out of every situation.

I guess this would be that I didnt let myself shut down all the way. I came out of it and made myself still have a productive day.

Tomorrow, I go and find out my executive functioning results from the Neuropsych.

I’m nervous. Just the finality of whatever he will say.

no matter what it says, I am still who I am and still the hard working individual who compensates and find ways to make things happen in spite of the disabilities.

Regardless of what it says, I will wake up saturday and be my best.