I had it in my head that I was going to go to the flea market to sell my photography. Last week. I had just about everything ready to go…except for me. I got hundreds of photos ready, framed and matted 30 of my best prints. My external brain helped me to think about everything I might need. We got order forms for special orders, a calculator, grocery bags so I can bag items I sell, extra money for change.
I put together calendars, mugs, notebooks, and other items to sell. My external brain helped me make a display board. I got a table for the display and filled two picture books filled with my photography for other options.
I thought of everything…I thought.
I was getting ready and felt my anxiousness grow. I started thinking about talking with people, doing math on the spot, figuring different orders, and where to park. I knew my senses would be heightened with all the people, etc…which would add confusion. AND I knew I would be doing all of this without an external brain.
Now, I know I have said I don’t do anything new without an external brain, but I really thought I could do this. I mean, I did have it all mapped out. I have this thing about picturing things before I do it. It works a lot of times.
I was a swimmer and a swim coach. Swimming was one of the things that calmed my anxiousness. Going underneath the water and being consumed by water from all sides so relaxing to me. A sensory thing, I’m sure. Like a weighted blanket feeling. I would swim for hours and I was good at it. (Not bragging…lol.) Hey, when I struggled at EVERYTHING in life and I finally found something that I could actually DO without struggling…I was thrilled!
As a coach, I had my swimmers close their eyes and picture themselves winning. We would do this leading into major meets. I would start them from the gun. Stroke by stroke they would go through the race with a win at the end.
I am an absolute believer in if you are determined and work hard enough at anything, you can be successful! I live it every day and so did my swimmers.
Now, here I was, the night before I was supposed to sell my photography, by myself, at a market….I freaked. I pictured myself doing it. Over and over. I walked myself through all the steps. I paced. I tried to work through. My anxiousness did not subside.
My external brain (EB) saw that something was not right. I finally told her. I was even thinking about keeping my 16-year-old home from school to go with me the first day. My EB said, “why don’t we just go Saturday. The three of us will go. We will see what it’s like, figure everything out together so you are not so anxious. We will do this together.”
She asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her that I wanted to do it myself.
I always need help. This time, I wanted it to be different.
See, FASDers DO NOT want to rely on others. We WANT to do it on our own!
Surrendering that is soooooo hard!
I’m an adult. I want to do adult things…by myself.
Oh, I got the routine stuff down. I can do that stuff all day by myself. I love the independence. I have no problem shopping in the same stores and going to the same coffee house.
Throw in something new…and I’m done.
I started to have my own little pity party. I even started to cry. I had to get to the point that I was okay having someone do this WITH me. I had to let myself get to the point where I would ASK FOR HELP.
I am not the best at asking for help.
“I CAN DO IT MYSELF” I want to scream.
Reality sinks in and I have to look at myself in the mirror…and again…surrender some tough stuff.
I can do anything the first time…with help.
Once I can rid of all confusion in a situation, it can become routine and eventually I can do it on my own.
I found myself angry. I got pretty upset that I HAD to ask for help.
I had to be okay with who I was and this disability.
Doing anything new is scary for someone with FASD.
Yes, we might throw a fit about it.
We might get angry because honestly…we really want to do it by ourselves.
We are actually pretty smart people…we just have a brain that doesn’t work like everybody else.
AND we are smart enough to know this.
We watch everybody in the room understand what’s going on when we are confused.
We KNOW we can’t process like everybody else.
It takes us longer. We DO know that.
That is why we have to surrender to the fact of letting someone help us until we get it.
Once we realize that you helping us will help us get independent in a certain area, we are going to work that much harder.
We give 110%.
I was always one of the hardest workers in the pool.
I was always determined in the classroom despite my confusion.
It’s the surrendering and accepting that was harder for me.
With time, we get there…but we need our little fits along the way as we recognize and realize that we are different. That we aren’t able to do something that everybody else can do can be frustrating.
I have to realize that if I don’t ask for help, I will just get stuck. I will probably not do it at all. That is an incentive for me.
Surrender and ask for help.
Eventually do it by myself.
Side note: Added after I wrote this: An FASDer (RJ from Flying with broken wings) just said this to me about this blog…We have to remember that giving in is not giving up. That is AWESOME! Love it! True!