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FASD and Autism…

I was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, too. About 3 weeks ago. I have not said anything, here because I don’t know how I feel. There is one thing to think you have something, but then you are actually diagnosed with it. I went through the same thing when a doctor said I had all the characteristics of someone with FASD. I knew that you could have both. I actually wondered if I did. I have heard that people with FASD can have both. I know both can have a lot of the same traits, but I had a neurologist ask me a bunch of questions and he said not only by my answers, but in observing me, he knew I had Autism. Hmmm. Someone asked me how I felt. I didn’t even answer. I really don’t know how I feel about it. I’m not saying this is bad. I have got to know a lot of neurotypicals in my years and I can honestly say, there is not one I would want to be like…lol. So, I’m okay with being on the spectrum. When i wrote Autism Spectrum Disorder, the word that I kept staring at was Disorder. Really? This is a disorder? I want to look up what that means. Wait a second…okay a medical condition involving a disturbance to the usual functioning of the mind.

Okay. I will let that process.

Who says how we process and what we do is a distrubance. Okay. I get that things are not right. But who says that neurotypical brains are just that…typical?…

Just a question. Image

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Left eye Right eye

When I was five years old, the neurologist said I had no depth perception and my eyes do not converge. In other words, my left eye and right eye, do not work together. I have learned that my left brain and right brain do not work very well together either.

I was told that I would never be able to hit a ball. I hit home runs. 
I was told I would never be able to cut on the line. it took a lot of work, but I have no problem at all with that anymore.
True I still reach for the refrigerator and miss the handle…every time…lol.
BUT, for the most part, my brain has adapted. 
My left eye and right eye have never been able to work together, but my brain has compensated in a way that I don’t think anyone figured in. My left eye basically stopped working. I can see out of it, but my brain has shut my left eye off enough for me to see one of everything. This has allowed me to do things I never could have done. 
I was not able to read until like second grade. The words were all jumbled together. All I saw was lines of letters with no breaks between words. There was no making sense of it to me. Now, I read fine. I still have problems with comprehension, but I learned young how make up for this. I read into a tape recorder and listened to it until I understood.
Yes, we have disabilities…but yes there are ways to make up for them. 
We just find different ways to do the same thing others can do.
God gave us creativity!
God gave us determination!
We figure out ways to learn, retain, and comprehend…to the best that we can!
That’s awesome! 

Proud

Being someone with FAS is a conglomeration of emotions. I didn’t find out until I was an adult. I knew I had significant disabilities. I Knew what neurologists said, but I stayed in denial for a very long time about how significant. I mean, does it really matter what the professionals say when you weigh in determination and heart? No, not really.

I know they know all the medical reasons to why I do the things I do. I know they can explain why my upper lip is thinner and why the area between my nose and lip are flatter than its supposed to be. They can tell me why my pinkys swerve inward and why my eyes are the way they are.

When the genetics doctor looked at me and said alcohol played a significant factor to your disabilities…its like the world stopped. She didn’t even hesitate. She knew. She looked at my baby pictures and looked at me as an adult and she didn’t even have to do further testing. It wasn’t even a maybe.

There is a spectrum in Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. To find out that you are full blown FAS made me face some hard realities.

It did explain a lot. it connected dots for me. I understood why I had struggled my whole life. Why I couldn’t DO things other kids could do growing up. Why I was not able to function in the adult world like my peers. Yea, I got it.

It made me face some hard realities. DD? Developmentally Disabled? Really? Get a social worker for me so I can get services for being FAS?

Thinking you are FAS is a lot different than a professional looking in your eyes and saying “You, without a doubt, are FAS. That is a whole different level of acceptance.

You know, at first, I don’t even know what I felt. I know I got quiet. Didn’t feel like talking about it. Felt loss, grief.

To know that you will NEVER have the brain that others have. To know that I will NEVER be able to overcome these disabilities. To know that my mom drank and that is the reason…

Cry.

Hard things to face.

I believe that my biological mom didn’t do it on purpose. Forty years ago, they didn’t know the stuff they do now. Plus, she was not one that would have been taking care of herself. Didn’t matter to me. I loved her until she died. I was loyal to her. Even though, she never really recognized me as a daughter, I still recognized her as my mom.

FASDers have to face a lot of different obstacles besides just the disability. Hurts, rejections, and abuse often come along with it. Many of us are adopted young to great families and the hurt stops, but some of us are not.

Some of us have a lifetime of pain, abuse, and continued rejections.

I grieved for the fact that there were losses here. With my biological mom and the fact that I have had to face that there are simply limitations that will never be fixed.

Is this negative? Gosh, I hope not. This is real.

Do I feel less than?
Do I feel a defeat?

NO!! I feel absolute accomplishment.
I feel pride.

I have made it in spite of.
I have surpassed all expectations and I’m not done yet.

Knowing what I have accomplished with this brain makes me even more proud.

Sometimes, I smile just because I say exactly what I want to verbally…lol. Often times, what comes out is just not how I had planned it.

Sometimes, I am complete joyful because I made a meal for my daughter and EB and it was amazing.

The small everyday things makes me know I’m making it. I’m functioning like everybody else. I can do this!

Oh, the big things? Getting my masters degree when they said I wouldn’t graduate high school? Driving when they told me I never could because of my eyes.
Hitting home runs when they told me I would never hit a ball.
Becoming an award winning journalist when they said I would not be able to communicate well.
Being a great mom when I had so much against me just as an individual, let alone take care of another.

I’m proud!
The determination I feel when I wake up in the morning to beat the crap out of the day a head of me is what drives me.

The exhaustion I feel even sometimes mid-day lets me know that I am fighting one hell of a fight.

No, I’m not ever going to let any disability beat me.

Realities can hurt. They are painful.

BUT…

They didn’t see me coming…

I told myself I was going to be the BEST ANN I could be.
I told myself that I was going to LIVE.
FASD or not…I’m going to BE.

See the world through my eyes

Pull up a blade of grass, sit down, and get to know me.
Sit quietly with me. I love your company, but I love the silence.
Get up close and look at the fabric of a tree. The wrinkles on its trunk tell a story.
Watch the wind catch the wings of a bird as it soars.
Look at life as if you are looking at it for the first time…every time.
Look at a puddle as an invitation.
Just try to walk past a button on a wall without pushing it to see what it does.

Look at a rubber band as something to snap or send flying through the air.
Watch a spider spin its web and focus on an ant that is carrying more weight than its body.

Watch my eyes dance as I think of something fun or mischievous to get into.
Look at everything as a toy.

Watch me do what is the impossible.
Watch me soar and LIVE when I was told that it wasn’t possible.

Look at the determination in my eyes.
Know that there is hope…not defeat.
Know that there is a passion for life
Know that there is purity and innocence behind my eyes
Know that my desire is to please and to love deeply
Know that I was given a strong will. One that will make it despite the disabilities.

Watch me figure out the world.
Watch me realize my gifts and talents.

We love the simple things.
We see the depth in things that many people miss.
A kiss on a cheek to someone who needs hope.
A hand on a shoulder in support.
A wiping away a tear for someone who is hurting.

We feel deeply.
We hurt because we let you down.
We want nothing else than to do what is asked.

Don’t give up on us.
We aren’t giving up on you.

Frustration can lead to anger that can lead to things we didn’t plan on doing.

No. I did’t want to blow. I didn’t want to hit the wall in frustration.
I didn’t mean to make you mad or upset about what I didn’t do or what I didn’t understand.

I’m trying.
I’m giving my all, but…but…

sometimes its like your talking a different language.
sometimes its like I can tell you see me as different.
sometimes I can feel your frustration when I’m not doing something right.
sometimes, my all doesn’t feel good enough.

Not for you.

It is for me.

It has to be.

I’m happy.

I will let go of things in five seconds or less.
I don’t remember what happened anyway…short term memory problem.

I don’t want to focus on the hurts and my disabilities.

I want to focus on the joys that this life offers.

Take a picture.

Every picture shows the world in a totally different perspective.
In a way that we never would have noticed before.

You might see kids running.

I see their playfulness.
I see the field they are frolicking through.
I see the grains in the field and the colors.
I see the smiles on their faces as they enjoy the blue skies while the butterflies are on the flowers nearby.

I see love everywhere.
I see positive.

My blowups and frustrations are but mere blips in the day.

They are not who I am and they do not define me.

The dance in my eyes defines me.
The skip in my step.
The smile on my face.
The joys that surpass anything I CAN”T do….defines me.

I don’t focus on what I CAN’T DO.
I only see opportunities and possibilities.

I get angry because people say I can’t.

I can…
Do it with me.
Not for me.

Don’t look down on me because I might need a little help.

Be patient. because if you stay long enough you might just get a piece of this joy.
You might just get to know the real me.
you might just get to see a glimpse of what is behind this thing they call FASD.

Ah…that is not Who I am.
That is just a thing I have.

A birth defect.
A mark on the brain.

So, our brains our wired differently than yours.

Look up, does your brain see what mine does?
Do you count the stars and smile when you can find the big dipper and the small one?
Does your brain see the beauty in a cityscape?
Does your brain see the shapes and figures in the architecture?
Do you stop and refresh in the sound of silence?
Do you smell a flower with your eyes closed and feel peace?
Do you get excited when you can share with another person the simple things in life?

Look a plane.
Look a flower.
Look….life.

I do.
I have FASD.
I’m a person.
I’m not a disability.
I have a future.
I have talents.
I have gifts.
I have hope
I have laughter
I have orneriness.
I have…
I love…
I care for…
I want…
I need….
I am…