Determination

That is all I know. I wake up determined. I go to sleep determined. I go into each task as if it is monumental. It could be as simple as a meet and greet at a local coffee shop, or a group of friends getting together. it can be my day at work or just a simple fact of staying on task.

It can be exhausting. Every day can be like I’m running a marathon.

Lately, I understand less and I am confused more. There is too much going on in my world, for sure. I literally do not understand most of what is said around me. I find myself constantly asking what and trying to just fill in the blanks.

Determined.

I’m not going to give up. It is what it is.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of brain I would have it if were not exposed to alcohol. I look into the mirror and wonder if I would be able to see the world differently if I had a fully operated brain. Maybe I don’t want to see the world differently.

Would I be able to look people in the eyes?
Would I be able to not be anxious ALL the time?
Would my skin not constantly feel like I want to rip it off from too much stimulation?

I live in constant overload. Constantly fighting shut down or melt down.

My world is a big tornado and I’m trying to make sense of all of it. I’m stuck in the middle and everything just spins and spins and I wait for things to land and say oh ok I know what that is. At least, I understand that piece of the puzzle.

What?

I have no idea.

I really don’t understand you.

I try to pretend that I do.

I really do listen to you, but I have no idea what you are saying to me.

I laugh because you laugh.
I shake my head cuz it looks like I should.

I stand up because everyone in the room does.
I shake a hand cuz a hand is reached out to me.

I watch.
I model.

Do I know why I’m doing what I’m doing?
Not all the time.

Confusion is my state and determination is my survival.

I picked up a book. A children’s book.
I could not retain what it said.
Sad.

My daughter watches shows and has to explain everything to me.
I watched the same thing she did.

I have no idea what happened.

I could call this confused, but I’m not going to because what I see is someone who will not give up…in spite of that confusion.

I have a will no like nobody else I know.
I refuse to quit!

I signed up for DD services. Not sure if I will get it.
I hope I do. Oh, I dont want any assistance money wise.
I just want to be able to do some of the things that others do.
I would like some helps that are not in place.
I would like to read a book and remember what i read 5 seconds later.
I woudl like to understand more of what people say.
I would like to look at people in conversation and feel a part of instead of trying so desperately just to find a few words here and there so I don’t look rude.

I want to talk.
I have a lot to say.
I want to listen and be completely engaged.

I have a brain that just won’t cooperate.
the more that goes on around me…the more I cannot comprehend.

Determined!

I try to read lately.
I get about 2 sentences and I move on to something else.
I still keep trying to go back and read the same article or book.
Only to get a few more sentences and I’m done.

Determined!

I’m not giving up!

I have good days and bad.
Lately, they seem to be harder. I wouldnt say bad.
Different. Not less…lol…isnt that what Temple Grandin had to say?

I can still see.
I can still hear.
I can still live and be a part of.
It’s just different.

If people meet where I am…
If people meet me at my processing pace

If they allow me to be where I am so i don’t have to fake and act like im where they are…
Maybe I would understand more.

the world just goes way to fast for someone with FASD.

Determined?
yes we are!