You have entered the Spectrum Zone

Feeling lost

Last week was a dream come true to someone with FASD. I worked at a camp for kids with cancer. I was the photographer. I had a schedule mapped out for me. I had where I was supposed to be when. What exactly was expected of me. Routine. A focus cuz I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. I had purpose and I had everything laid out for me so I didnt even have to figure out what to do next. I knew.

This week I have none of that. I don’t have a schedule in front of me telling me what to do. I don’t even know where to start. I’m in between jobs I guess you could say and I can’t even figure out how to get where I’m going. Execution is not my strong suit. I know what I want in my mind but how to get there I have noooo idea.

That is the biggest problem with me. I will work 80 hours a week if I know what to do and if someone tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. I’m fine. I will do it all day and with all the focus in the world. But to be left on my own after a week of complete schedule and routine and focus–i have never been more lost. Well, I guess I have, but I am noticing it a lot more right now cuz of last week.

If we just had someone to put a schedule in front of us and say do this, we will be fine. I seriously would work the entire day if I just knew what to do and how to do it. I just can’t get my brain to figure out where to start and how to get from A to B.

And it makes us get afraid when that happens. So the fear makes us feel more lost and more confused so then we become majorly stuck.

I loved doing the photography all week. I wish that I could find a regular job where I could do photography shoots all the time and have a regular routine. I would work very hard at it. I have a gallery and it is doing amazing with the traffic and the feedback, but I’m not getting buyers.

It is so hard for people with FASD to make a living because we really do have disabilities and our brains are really wired differently, but we want so badly to be busy and be productive at the same time. When we don’t have that is when we start getting into trouble and start making the people around us annoyed with us.

If I just had a purpose and a focus and something to keep my busy I would be fine. I always have to be doing something. When I’m not I start getting weird.

I am trying to figure this out. When I’m like this it is even harder for me to explain myself in speech. My brain is more confused. So, the more I try to explain, the less sense I make so then I feel more alone than I did before trying to figure this out.

The worst place to be for someone with FASD is lost.

Structure. Routine. Someone to help us get from A to B. That is the key.

How do I start? What do I do? How do I get from what’s in my brain to action?

I seriously have no idea.

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