Being someone with FAS is a conglomeration of emotions. I didn’t find out until I was an adult. I knew I had significant disabilities. I Knew what neurologists said, but I stayed in denial for a very long time about how significant. I mean, does it really matter what the professionals say when you weigh in determination and heart? No, not really.
I know they know all the medical reasons to why I do the things I do. I know they can explain why my upper lip is thinner and why the area between my nose and lip are flatter than its supposed to be. They can tell me why my pinkys swerve inward and why my eyes are the way they are.
When the genetics doctor looked at me and said alcohol played a significant factor to your disabilities…its like the world stopped. She didn’t even hesitate. She knew. She looked at my baby pictures and looked at me as an adult and she didn’t even have to do further testing. It wasn’t even a maybe.
There is a spectrum in Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. To find out that you are full blown FAS made me face some hard realities.
It did explain a lot. it connected dots for me. I understood why I had struggled my whole life. Why I couldn’t DO things other kids could do growing up. Why I was not able to function in the adult world like my peers. Yea, I got it.
It made me face some hard realities. DD? Developmentally Disabled? Really? Get a social worker for me so I can get services for being FAS?
Thinking you are FAS is a lot different than a professional looking in your eyes and saying “You, without a doubt, are FAS. That is a whole different level of acceptance.
You know, at first, I don’t even know what I felt. I know I got quiet. Didn’t feel like talking about it. Felt loss, grief.
To know that you will NEVER have the brain that others have. To know that I will NEVER be able to overcome these disabilities. To know that my mom drank and that is the reason…
Hard things to face.
I believe that my biological mom didn’t do it on purpose. Forty years ago, they didn’t know the stuff they do now. Plus, she was not one that would have been taking care of herself. Didn’t matter to me. I loved her until she died. I was loyal to her. Even though, she never really recognized me as a daughter, I still recognized her as my mom.
FASDers have to face a lot of different obstacles besides just the disability. Hurts, rejections, and abuse often come along with it. Many of us are adopted young to great families and the hurt stops, but some of us are not.
Some of us have a lifetime of pain, abuse, and continued rejections.
I grieved for the fact that there were losses here. With my biological mom and the fact that I have had to face that there are simply limitations that will never be fixed.
Is this negative? Gosh, I hope not. This is real.
Do I feel less than?
Do I feel a defeat?
NO!! I feel absolute accomplishment.
I feel pride.
I have made it in spite of.
I have surpassed all expectations and I’m not done yet.
Knowing what I have accomplished with this brain makes me even more proud.
Sometimes, I smile just because I say exactly what I want to verbally…lol. Often times, what comes out is just not how I had planned it.
Sometimes, I am complete joyful because I made a meal for my daughter and EB and it was amazing.
The small everyday things makes me know I’m making it. I’m functioning like everybody else. I can do this!
Oh, the big things? Getting my masters degree when they said I wouldn’t graduate high school? Driving when they told me I never could because of my eyes.
Hitting home runs when they told me I would never hit a ball.
Becoming an award winning journalist when they said I would not be able to communicate well.
Being a great mom when I had so much against me just as an individual, let alone take care of another.
The determination I feel when I wake up in the morning to beat the crap out of the day a head of me is what drives me.
The exhaustion I feel even sometimes mid-day lets me know that I am fighting one hell of a fight.
No, I’m not ever going to let any disability beat me.
Realities can hurt. They are painful.
They didn’t see me coming…
I told myself I was going to be the BEST ANN I could be.
I told myself that I was going to LIVE.
FASD or not…I’m going to BE.